Reasons to Cry

Time had escaped him and it was less than a week before he had to leave for Massachusetts. He hadn’t told anyone but Ecklie about his sabbatical.

Not even Sara.

He just kept putting it off, hoping his problem would solve itself. Just like he did with his osteosclerosis. He finally got off his ass and did something about that, but only just in time. Now he was nervous that it was going to be the same with Sara. Or perhaps she wouldn’t forgive him for this mistake. It was a big one. He couldn’t believe himself and she was going to be livid. He couldn’t blame her.

He could explain to her about why he was leaving. She would understand that, he knew. He had no real excuse except that he had never really had to deal with something like this before, leaving a girlfriend to go across the country for a month.

What had she said that night? The same day he had received the letter? He was actually going to tell her. He really was. That night, even. But she had said something that sparked his insecurity that she would give up on him. She wouldn’t wait up.

A month was a pretty long time; it would be for him. He found it painfully difficult just to sleep without her near him. He honestly was never secure that she felt as strongly for him as he did for her. Because he felt very strongly. His love for her was immeasurable. He simply couldn’t believe anyone could feel that way for him. That wasn’t her fault though. They said “I love you” every day and he believed her. Then again, words aren’t everything. Hell, he told her once that he didn’t want to have dinner with her. He lied.

But he also knew that if he didn’t do this… his burning out would affect more than just him and his job. It would affect him and her as well. He simply couldn’t have that.

He arrived at his townhouse to find her already there, sleeping on his new full-size couch that he had bought shortly after realizing he wasn’t exactly a bachelor anymore. She had straightened up the place and a few candles were lit about the room. There was a tantalizing aroma permeating throughout the room that aroused him slightly. Too bad, she was definitely not going to be in the mood for sex after this discussion.

He sat his briefcase down on the counter and draped his jacket across the kitchen chair. He walked slowly over to her and sadness gripped his gut in a way it hadn’t before. This was real. He was really going to have to tell her this. Oh man… she was going to be disappointed in him. 

He watched the book that was draped across her stomach move with her breathing. She didn’t sleep all that much, but when she did it was heavy. He was probably going to have to put some effort into waking her. No more time could be wasted. But instead, he moved the book and laid down beside her, resting his head on her chest. A moment passed and her eyes fluttered open. She smiled down at him and moved over a bit for him to fit better on the couch.

He was glad she was awake. Now he could tell her. Except he didn’t move or say anything. All he could think of was how disappointed she would be in him. What was the worst she could do? Break up with him. Exactly. The thought of that made him physically ill. There was no way in hell he could live without her in his life now.

Was this bad enough that she would want a break from their relationship? Again, he didn’t know. He knew nothing of relationships. This was the first serious one he ever had.

Still no words were spoken, but she began running her fingers lightly through his graying locks. His hair was getting long again, she thought. She wondered if he would cut it short like he did a few months ago. It didn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter if he had a beard or not. Or if he lost weight. And she hoped none of those decisions were made with her in mind because she wanted him to understand she loves him absolutely for who he is.

He savored her soft touch because he understood it was possible he might not feel it again. If she did the worst she could do. A lone tear ran down his cheek as the pain he had become too familiar with in the past few minutes twisted in his gut yet again. He was aware of the tear and thought about why he was almost crying. He thought about just letting go. That tear wasn’t just because of Sara. It was also because he had never felt so low in his life.

The light hit the tear drop on his face and Sara caught it. She had never seen him cry before. She had seen him emotional, like when he talked about his father dying. But those were rare moments. Something was stewing in him and had been for some time. She was just waiting for him to mention it. That’s what she had learned with Gil Grissom. Patience. It was worth it.

Her hand moved to his face and her thumb gently stroked the path the tear had left. He inhaled deeply with his eyes closed.

“Grissom? What’s wrong, hun? You look like you need to get something off your chest,” she said softly, not wanting to rush him.

He didn’t answer right away. He just stared ahead as if he didn’t hear her at all. But he had heard her. He had been waiting for her to ask him that actually.

“Yeah, I, uh… I have to tell you something. You’re going to be very upset with me…”

She was on full alert now. Her brow furrowed and her pulse quickened. Her mind instinctively started to think of worse case scenarios. Cheating? No. No way, not Grissom. What else could have him so distressed? What could he think would distress her so much?

She crossed her legs and sat up against the arm of the couch and he sat up, scooting to the edge. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs.

“Grissom…”

“I don’t know how to tell you…” he said, honestly.

“Just spit it out, you are making me really nervous right now,” she said, her voice shaking. Her pulse quicked even more as he turned to face her. He looked positively terrified.

“Okay. .. I have to leave in a little less than a week,” he replied, a lot fast than he meant to. Without more detail, it sounded worse than it was.

She really hadn’t expected this. Leave? What the hell was he talking about?

“What? Care to expound on that?” she asked, seriously confused.

“Of course. A few months ago I received an invitation from Williams College in Massachusetts to teach a seminar during their winter semester,” he paused and exhaled. “I accepted, Sara. And I never told you. I am so, so, sorry. It was so stupid of me.”

She was really shocked now. She didn’t know what to think… Her thoughts inadvertently were made verbal.

“I don’t believe this…” she said to herself more than to him.

“Sara…” he pleaded

“No. How long are you leaving?”

“A little over a month.”

“A month? A month, Grissom? And you didn’t think it was important to tell your girlfriend that? My God, we’ve been together for a year and a half!”

Sara stood up from the couch to distance herself from the source of her anger. She walked over to the kitchen and reached into the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water. Grissom followed her into the kitchen, which only made her madder.

“I know. I’m an idiot. I just…”

“What?” she was almost shouting now, her anger evident.

He wanted to tell her not to shout, but knew that would only serve to make her more angry. Besides, she had every right to shout at him.

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Sara,” he told her almost whispering.

“Well let me give you a hint: this isn’t the way. You don’t tell me you’re leaving for a month a few days before when you have known for how long? A few months?”

“Yeah. I know. Honey, I just didn’t know how to tell you without you thinking it’s about you. Because it’s not. I don’t want to get away from you. I want to get away from Vegas. Away from this job before it tears me apart.”

Now she really was angry. How dare he think that she of all people wouldn’t understand that.

“Unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You actually think I wouldn’t understand that? How long have I been telling you that you needed a vacation, huh? How long?” She said, her voice still above the normal level. She moved back to the couch and sat down. Taking a giant swig of her water, she calmed herself as he moved back into her general vicinity. This was so not how she wanted to spend the evening with him…

“I was scared, Sara. Fear is rarely rational,” he whispered pathetically as he sat down beside her. He once again rested his elbows on his thighs, but this time rested his face in his hands also.

He exhaled the same time she did and they sat quietly in the poorly lit living room.

She was thinking about how sad he sounded.

He was thinking about how disappointed she sounded.

“Griss… what are you so scared of?” she asked, with a much more gentle tone than she had been using.

Grissom looked up at her, surprised by her change in attitude.

“I, uh… I’m scared I’ll lose you. I can’t imagine it without getting ill. Every time I went to tell you I just kept thinking that you aren’t going to wait around for me. The more I put it off the more I realized just how long I had put it off and…”

“You know, this wasn’t the best way to go about keeping me?” she said. If she hadn’t been smiling, he would have thought it was her way of breaking up with him. But she was smiling. A small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“I know…”

Her left hand moved towards his hair and ran down his cheek lightly.

“Honestly. I waited years for you to come around. Do you really think I’m going to call it quits because of a month? Come on,” she said with a slight laugh.

He smiled for the first time in days and leaned into her hand.

“Maybe not. But like I said, fear is rarely sensible. I suppose I was thinking in terms of you putting up with me. I feel so old and jaded. I thought that if you suspected that had anything to do with you, you would give up on me. You wouldn’t wait around for me to…”

“Find your old self again?” she interrupted.

“Yes!” he breathed out as if a weight were being lifted.

“Honey, you need to get it out of your head that I’m going to leave you. Please. I don’t care how insensible fear is. I love you. Unconditionally. Always and forever.” She punctuated the last word in a desperate attempt to finally make him understand.

And he did, at least for now. After all, such a deeply seeded insecurity wouldn’t vanish entirely in one night.

“Now,” she said, standing up, “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. I’m tired. Are you tired?”

“Yeah. In more ways than one.”

“Let’s go to bed, then.”

“Are you still upset with me, Sara? I need to know if you forgive me for keeping something so important from you. I need to know that you understand how sorry I really am.”

She smiled warmly at him. He really was sorry and saddened, and stressed about this whole ordeal. As he should be, she thought, but it was in the past now. He certainly wouldn’t make a mistake like this one again.

“C’mere,” she beckoned him with the universal sign for hugging.

God, he loved her. He couldn’t possibly have done anything good enough to deserve such a woman. How tolerant she was of him.

He practically fell into her arms and felt like crying. He felt like crying because he was so happy he had her. He felt like crying because he was so fed up with the world. It was a tortuous tug of emotion. He never thought his faith in humanity would be almost completely depleted. He felt so defeated. Finally he decided not to cry at all, for it would only make him feel worse. He never was the crying type, really. A tear here and there never hurt. He wasn’t ashamed; he just hated how it wore him out.

He pulled away and brushed the hair from Sara’s eyes. She had been crying and he didn’t even hear her.

“Oh honey, please don’t cry.”

“Why? I want to,” Sara replied with a smile.

He pulled her face close to his and rested his forehead on hers.

“I love you, Sara. I love you so much. You know that?”

“I do.”

He kissed her, gently at first. More of assurance than passion, but it escalated quickly into a fervent kiss where they released the tension that had been building up. The dam had broken and the emotions came pouring through. He cupped her face with both hands then ran his fingers through her soft hair. They broke away to catch their breath and Grissom promptly started planting kisses on her jaw line, eliciting a moan of approval from Sara. She tugged on his shirt to free it from his pants and stuck her right hand just inside the waistband. A moan escaped Grissom’s mouth as he anticipated the path of her fingers.

“Griss?”

“Yeah?” he answered in between kisses.

“This was our first big fight.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” he pulled back and she eyed him with a sly grin on her face.

“And I’m still pretty upset…” she furrowed her brow with a mock scowl.

“Are you?” he somehow managed to breathe out as she unbuckled his pants and slipped her hand down his boxers, stroking his arousal. He gasped and wondered what the hell he did to deserve her. He wondered that a lot.

“Yeah. I am. I’d like to take it out on you a little bit more,” she revealed as she removed her hand and took him by the collar, leading him into the room.

Sure the problem wasn’t gone. He would be gone for a whole month. She didn’t know how she was going to do it, but frankly, she didn’t want to think about it because right now he was here.

And he didn’t know how he was going to manage sleep without her curled up next to him. But she was here now, and he would sleep better than he had in months.