Mistakes

Title: Mistakes
Author: pukajen
Rating: T
Pairing: GSR
Spoilers: Nothing really, but Sara and Grissom are together.
Disclaimer: :: looks left, looks right :: Nope not sneaky enough, still don't own them.

A/N: This was written for bestkeptprivate 'Mistakes' challenge. Thank you so much to ascian3 for the beta. All mistakes I claim as my own.



Over the years he had made many, many mistakes. Usually his mistakes led him to the correct answer in the end so he didn’t really mind. This time, however, Grissom didn’t think there would be a positive outcome.

It had all started out so innocently; a comment about how focused Sara got with some cases. How she’d gotten better at taking care of herself since her almost-DUI, but would still forego sleep and food too often if on a hot case.

Sara had just worked a triple and had been heading into a quadruple -- well passed her allotted overtime for the month. Grissom had been feeling out of sorts, having had slept poorly without her beside him.

While his comments had meant to be concerned, they’d come out as condescending and distant. He knew that now. They’d had a brief, quiet, heated argument about objectivity and hypocrisy. In the end, Sara had finished out her case, wrapping it up within two hours before clocking out.

It worried him that she hadn’t even stopped to let him know she was leaving. Catherine had stopped by his office to tell him she’d seen Sara striding to her car, growling at anyone foolish enough to approach her. Several unhelpful comments about how he should deal with That Situation had Grissom at his wits’ end. Rather then snapping at Catherine that he’d handle it when he got home, Grissom had buried his nose blindly in a file, which he pretended to read a file until Catherine had left alone.

No-one at work knew that they were together. Even after more than a year, none of them had figured it out. Turned out even some of the best investigators in the world sometimes didn’t see what was right in front of their eyes.

Of course, now there might not be anything for them to see.

When he’d questioned her abilities as an investigator, and followed up by saying he was disappointed in her inability to control her emotions, the look of hurt in Sara’s eyes had cut through him. It was on the tip of his tongue to apologize, but Sara had shut down. Grissom had watched as all emotions had seemed to drain away, and her face went blank. For the first time ever, Grissom had not been able to find any trace of emotion on Sara’s face.

She’d been pale when she told him that she’d finish up the tests she was conducting, then go home. And she had promised that if he was really worried about overtime, she’d clock out immediately, finish her tests, and then go home. Dr. Grissom., she’d called him.

Unable to move, Grissom stood in shock as she brushed passed him. Shock slowly gave way to cold fury. How dare she talk to him that way? Question him like that? He was her boss and she was supposed to listen to him. There was a chain of command for a reason, and by damn she needed to learn to follow it. He had her best interests in mind -- she’d looked tired, and a tired investigator made a sloppy investigator. Even if it was only for a couple of hours, they need to go home and get some sleep. Together they could curl up under the covers and keep the nightmares at bay.

That was were the train of anger hit the brick wall of reason. He had salient points about overtime and Sara’s emotional involvement in her cases, but it was the fact that she had been absent from their bed for two nights in a row that had him so out of sort.

Who would have been able to predict that he was the one jealous of the job, not his partner? But Grissom should have realized, Sara had always been the one to become more involved in cases. Bar none, she worked more overtime then any other CSI in Vegas, often clocking out and continuing to finish tests when she’d maxed out on overtime.

The past year or so, Sara had majorly cut back on her hours. Grissom wished he could say he was the only reason, but he knew that she had taken some of her counselor’s advice to heart. Or maybe all his comments about finding an outside interest had finally taken root.

She’d started hiking again. Going up into the mountains and canyons that surround Vegas for hours. She’d also taken up photography, going so far as to enroll in a couple of classes at the community college, and buying both digital and film SLR cameras and a sorted lenses.

But this last month she’d fallen back into old habits. More than once Grissom had woken up to find Sara just crawling into bed. A quick check of the old fashioned alarm clock by the bed let him know that it was only a few hours before the next shift was due to start.

It was a blow to realize that for almost five weeks now, Sara had been staying away more and more. Without her apartment she had no escape hatch. Maybe she’d been using work to get away from him.

He felt as if his heart shuddered to a stop before racing like he’d run a marathon. Without turning off the lights to his office or locking the door, Grissom rushed out. By the time he reached his car he’d broken into a run.

How had he not realized she’d been avoiding him for almost a month?

Sara was the most important thing in his life. They’d been living together for more than eight months and he still woke up from a deep sleep just to make sure he hadn’t dreamt her in his bed. Their bed. What if she wasn’t there when he got home? What if he’d pushed her too far?

Grissom’s foot pushed down on the gas. The rest of his drive home was taken with swearing at traffic and berating himself.

When he got to the front door, Grissom paused, unable to cross the threshold. What could he say to her?

It had been frighteningly simple, the way they’d slipped into a relationship. In the start there had been some intense discussions, fraught with old hurts and woven with insecurities. It had taken much longer for Grissom to forgive himself then it had for Sara.

In a matter of weeks they’d been more or less living together. When the lease on Sara’s apartment came up for renewal, she’d let it lapse. Together, they’d sorted through their accumulated crap, melding it into one household. They donating what they could, kept what they deemed irreplaceable in a shared storage unit, and threw the rest out.

Inside the house was not just one life, but two intricately intertwined lives. He rested his forehead against the door breathing out slowly. She’d be there. Of course she’d be there. It wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be.

Only, he thought, it might just be worse. Perhaps there was something else going on that he knew nothing about.

He let himself into the house quietly. The newspaper was still where he’d left it, scattered across the coffee table in the living room. Most days they read it together in companionable silence. Occasionally reading aloud articles or sentences they found particularly interesting, amusing, or outrageous.

Grissom counted back, it had been six days since they’d last done that.

Everything had all been so amazingly easy, until he realized it wasn’t.

Slowly, he made his way through the house and to their bedroom. Some inner voice told him not to call out for her.

Sara was asleep on their bed. Still fully clothed, she’d wrapped herself up in the black fleece blanket that lived on their couch. Stepping closer, Grissom saw dried tear tracks mapping her pale cheeks. A tight lump formed in his throat, causing Grissom to swallow several times before he force himself to breathe again.

Unsure of his welcome, but needing to feel her against him, Grissom toed off his shoes then eased himself down onto the bed. With a gentle finger he swept a strand of hair from her face. His fingers stayed in her hair lovingly caressing it.

Sara sighed and shifted into his touch. Tentatively, Grissom bent down and brushed a kiss on her forehead.

“We need to talk.” Sara’s voice was soft and rough with tears.

“I know. I was out of line and I’m sorry.” He kissed her again, this time on her cheek. “I love you.”

They rarely said those words, but they seemed to fit the situation.

“I love you, too.”

Grissom lay down next to Sara, gathering her in his arms. Together they shifted until he was on his back with Sara curled tightly against his side. They held each other tightly, their barely moving their hands in soothing caresses.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” It was out before he thought about it, his voice forlorn and lost.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He’d never heard her sound so vulnerable. So small.

“What’s wrong, honey?” She was quiet for so long Grissom thought she might not tell him.

“I got a letter from the State of California. My mom is sick. Cancer. She wants me to come and see her.” Grissom remained silent, unsure what -- if anything -- he could say. “Three days before that, I got an email form Julie. She and her husband are splitting up. She’s moving back to San Francisco, wanted to know if I wanted to get my career and life back on track and make the move with her.”

“Do you want to go back?” He couldn’t imagine living somewhere so cold and foggy, but for Sara he’d try anything.

“Not really. I just wish I could tell her why.” They lay in silence. In the nebulous world where night melted into day, the world around them was still, giving Grissom the illusion that they were the only two people on earth.

There was nothing he could say about her mother. If Sara wanted to go California to see her, Grissom would be with her every step of the way. Sara knew that without either of them having to say a word.

“I was late,” she said. It seemed like such a non-sequitur. The image of a large white rabbit in a suit flashed across Grissom’s brain.

“For what?”

She pulled away from him, eyes meeting his for the first time. Grissom got the feeling he was missing something vital here.

“Gris, what do women usually get freaked over if they’re late?”

Oh.

“Oh!” Wow.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“I’m kinda in shock here. Give me a minute.” He moved a hand and slowly placed it on her stomach. A baby. He wasn’t sure what to feel. The emotions were flying through him too quickly to get a hold of.

“Don’t think on it too hard. I got my period about an hour before you found me in the drying room.”

Grissom still had no idea what to say. How to react.

Saying nothing, he gathered her close. A gentle shudder shook her frame, a hitching breath followed. He held her as she cried.

When she has seemed to cry herself out, Grissom pulled back. With tender fingers he brushed the tears from her cheeks.

“I love you,” he whispered again.

She smiled. It wasn’t the full-blown one that lit her face, but it was genuine. They’d both made mistakes, but the worst had passed. They would still need to talk everything out a bit more -- the stressors that had caused Sara to pull away from him and hide her pain, his total lack of awareness until it was almost too late.

Sara caressed his forehead, smoothing out the lines caused by anxiety. She trailed her fingers down to his lips and he kissed them.

He leaned down and kissed her lips. She tasted of sweet dreams and jagged reality.